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What is shyness? Its manifestations and consequences
For most of us, shyness is a sign of something very sweet, kind, even plush. In our eyes, a shy person automatically becomes either a knight or a princess. But…

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Wife like mom

“How can this be? I did everything for him! Who was he when we met? Yes, he didn’t know how to relate the two words, I even helped graduate from the institute, and how many times I corrected his mistakes in life, how many times I helped find a way out of conflicts at work, with relatives, acquaintances! And he … ”Before me sits a woman who is certainly smart, beautiful, well-groomed, with good taste. And very angry and resentful eyes.

There are thousands of such stories. Women are sure that they did the best for husbands: they shared their experience, helped to grow up, supported in difficulties, instilled a taste, opened the door to a world of more subtle feelings – the list can be continued as long as you like. And he, for example, lost interest in her over time. Started a mistress. I went to another – and there may be a list of variations. The bottom line is that he did not appreciate all that she gave him, did not repay devotion and fidelity, did not thank even in words. Sad ending, but absolutely logical. Let’s see why.

Science is trying to introduce to us the idea, supported by research and statistics that girls grow up earlier, it is biologically determined, and that is why in marriages where there is no significant age difference, the woman is, by definition, “older”, more mature, more ready for life and etc. Perhaps in some cases this is true. And perhaps the matter is only in the parental stereotype: if in the girl’s family the mother was a mother for all, and for children, and for her own husband, then the girl only assimilates this stereotype. And it doesn’t matter how real she is, mentally or physically mature. It is important that she sees only this stereotype of behavior – “wife as mother”. Perhaps she seeks to grow up more likely only because she has an unconscious conviction: she alone will be able to do something in the family in the future, a man is unlikely to help her seriously, you cannot rely on him. And consciously, she, like everyone else, dreams of a prince who will be “smart, kind and able to do everything”, but in her subconscious mind there is still the idea that she will have to “babysit” a man.

The bearer of such a program can be not only the girl’s mother – grandmother, aunt, and there may be such a plot: the girl’s mother, who is hard to bear the burden of the family alone, from childhood transfers the care of her father or brothers to the growing daughter.

And it’s not just ordinary everyday care for each other, which should be in every family – the mother conveys to her daughter confidence in total male helplessness and stupidity. “Prepare food for dad, he himself can’t even fry the eggs!” “See if the brother has changed his shirt, otherwise he will bring it to the holes, if not remind!”, Etc. A growing girl may not participate in this domestic service, but see the attitude of the mother towards her sons and husband. And this course of action becomes only organic. Moms who consider their sons helpless, in need of constant “supervision”, “correction”, and public services, hand them over to their wives, who take this baton of motherhood towards their husband.
And then everything is really logical: when with time the husband begins to more and more capture the maternal notes in the tone and actions of his wife, he loses sexual interest in her. After all, you can’t sleep with mom – this is recorded in the deepest layers of the subconscious. So married men have lovers. It happens that the first human factor is triggered. A man gets tired of feeling “unfinished” in the eyes of his wife, and is looking for real respect and attention from others, this can be in work, among friends, or again the notorious lover.

Ilona, ​​38 years old, came against a background of a long conflict with her husband, marriage has been on the verge of a divorce for two years, her husband has a lover. When we began to analyze her case, it was such an anamnesis that surfaced: Ilona always considered her dad to be in need of care, less fit than her mother, who constantly saw his “mistakes” and tried to direct her father. He spent weeks at work, often silent at home, hiding in his office. It happened that he fell upon his mother, shouting that she tortured him with her teachings, that he wants to decide for himself what to do and how to do it, and will do without her comments. Mother stubbornly proved to him why and in what he was wrong. And sometimes she was silent, but her silence was already very contemptuous ….

This is the second significant moment in the formation of the “wife as mother” scenario: excellence.

A woman always knows better, she considers herself smarter, more fit or educated – the list of values ​​for each layer of society is different – the main thing is that a woman shows a man, albeit unconsciously: she is above him, she knows how best.
When you talk with such women, it turns out that they often don’t understand what this is fraught with: because for them this constant indication of the husband’s shortcomings and mistakes is a sincere desire to protect him from actions that could jeopardize his family reputation or financial affairs, desire to help him do “the best”, resulting, according to the feelings of women, out of love for her husband. But men perceive it differently.

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Vitaker K. Midnight Meditation by a Family Therapist
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