“We quarrel over trifles”
In fact, nothing happens. Many often confuse the cause and the cause of the conflict.
Really, any “trifle” can become a reason – he did not call from work, which is delayed, although there was no thought in his thoughts and hiding. Or she did not prepare dinner for his arrival, although she promised. He is unhappy that she “as luck would have” wore his unloved dress on the corporate party. She is indignant at the fact that he vowed many times to fix the crane, and did not. You can continue for a long time.
Anyone can say: “Well, nothing happened! No one betrayed, didn’t change, didn’t leave, didn’t set up …. “Yes, that’s it. But let’s look not at a reason, but at a reason.
What is behind that “trifling” call from work? Attention. Care. Importance. For her, this call is a confirmation of her importance, a confirmation that he does not give a damn about her feelings, that he knows that she will be worried. This moment of care and attention speaks of his love and that he hears it. And let it continue to be nothing to him – but with his call he could show that he is not indifferent to what she considers important.
The problem of “trivia” is that, firstly, the majority measures everything on its own and completely forgets that the other person is another. It’s not you. This is HE / SHE, but not you. He / she can always show other priorities, different accents, other needs.
And most often – it is in the so-called “little things” that the other stubbornly does not want to pay attention, because for him this is a “trifle”! But behind every trifle, there is often something far more global. And not always a partner can immediately explain this.
Leading questions can help determine the causes of the conflict: “why is it important for you that I must call? Do you have any specific fears? For what reason is this important to you? ”Your task is to be attentive to your partner and help you realize your motives, and not push yourself away from him, because something is not clear to you.
If you are a “offended” party, try to understand the cause of the conflict and convey to your partner. You need to ask yourself the same questions – “What does this call mean to me? Why is this important to me? What do I want to get from my partner through this call? ”The answers will be the reason.
You most likely lack attention, a sense of significance, and concern. Or you may be jealous or overly anxious about your partner. And it’s also worth talking about. In fact, it often happens differently:
“You didn’t call me!” I sat all evening waiting, getting nervous, where are you, your phone didn’t answer, did anything happen?
– Why are you so alarmed? I was at work, my bosses were nearby, but I couldn’t answer!
“Well, you knew there would be a meeting, was it really impossible to call before?”
– I did not think that everything would drag on for so long, therefore I did not call! Do not report to me for every half hour?
Further, as a rule, a woman begins to prove to a man that not to call – it was wrong, and this is a bad deed on his part. He resists the feelings of shame and guilt imposed on him (after all, he really did not plot anything bad), and begins to get angry at being forced to make excuses. As a result, a man often goes on the offensive:
– Why are you constantly nervous! I’m not a little kid, stop controlling me!
– Ah, I control you ??? And you….
(possible options: – And you are a small child, if you do not recall a hundred times, then ….)
And then any “shortcomings” of the partner and any of his flaws can go into play. The main message of this conversation is “you are bad and you must admit it.” And better yet, apologize.
The child, having tried to touch the hot iron, remembers the rules for handling him for life. So spouses, over the years, thanks to the sharp moments of quarrels, can remember the “rules of the game” with each other – pain points, needs, needs, importance. And that is precisely why they can become truly close.
However, upon passing directly to the charges, it is practically impossible to apologize normally and sincerely. Because no one mentally healthy person wants to voluntarily admit to himself neither “bad” nor “guilty” where he does not feel this. And this is normal – deeply, at the subconscious level, even with the strongest self-doubt, we always retain that part of the psyche that protects the individual from total depreciation.
Most people already feel the burden of their own imperfection, and it is in the family, from the spouse, we all expect understanding and acceptance of us as we are, and not kicks and pokes. And this is especially important in the context of “little things”, because if you have not fully explained the true reason for your dissatisfaction, your attempts to expose the other person to blame will be all the more regarded as nit-picking and inappropriate generalizations.