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A brief tutorial on resolving family conflicts

Sometimes the stories of couples who are on the verge of a divorce begin with proud words – “we lived in perfect harmony for two years and never quarreled, but then, unexpectedly …”. Those who are alone tormented by doubts about the future also touch on this topic: “we have continuous family conflicts, perhaps the only way out is to leave.”

And there are completely radical options: as soon as a semblance of a quarrel arises, one of the couple is ready to immediately slam the door and leave. Sometimes forever. Without trying to resolve conflicts in a relationship. Because in the minds of many quarrels are something that should not be in family life, otherwise it cannot be considered either “successful”, “successful” or even “normal”. The popular picture of the constantly pouring molasses on both sides, it turns out, is terribly tenacious. And alas, it is very destructive.

There is another extreme. When people don’t even wonder “how to build a dialogue?” When they resigned themselves to swearing. Such couples are already tired of posing as a happy family, and now they, of their choice, occupy the niche “with us, everything is like everyone else”. This means that quarrels become something like the weather – they spoil the mood, but they do not significantly affect anything, they do not lead anywhere and do not change anything.

So what is considered “normal”? – many ask me. Truth, if at all possible in this case, as always, is somewhere in between the extremes. But before analyzing the main causes of family conflicts and typical mistakes in clarifying relationships, we will take a closer look at these extremes in order to find a middle ground.

The illusion of conflict-free relations comes from the illusion of eternal love. The state of euphoria that engulfs people in the presence of a strong sexual desire for each other, gives rise to the idea that “it should be like this forever.” In fact, any love has an expiration date, about the reasons for this, in particular, you can read in detail in the article on the crisis of three years.

Now something else is important to us. The first signals that “eternal love” is just an illusion happen at the beginning of a relationship. But the rudiments of conflict, as a rule, are usually not to be noticed. “Just think, a trifle, it happens to everyone.”

An unresolved trifle tends to develop into a major problem over time. As a rule, she is noticed just when love reduces speed. And a family conflict that has risen to its full height is perceived as a tragedy. As a rule, no one is in a hurry to understand it, the emphasis is shifted to another – “how so, do we really quarrel with my loved one?”

By default, it was assumed that the loved one must understand, and better, also approve, and in some cases, even admire the desires and decisions of the partner. When this does not happen, despair comes in the wake of inspiration. Moreover, it is often common for most men and women to think that their decision is reasonable and correct, but the disagreement of the partner is something “wrong”.

We will talk about what approaches to conflict resolution later, but something else is important here – the focus is not on determining the causes of the conflict, but on the fact that is declared abnormal (and both spouses most often agree with this). And then, as a rule, one is inferior. Suppressing your desires, and not really discussing anything.

The second is affirmed in its “rightness” and further requires even more. The first one either bends further or rises, and most often the conflict resolution is no longer of interest to him, he is only interested in the opportunity to take revenge. After all, he has already stepped on his throat more than once, but now he has the right to answer in the same way and make his partner bend.

It is easy to guess that this position only leads to a tug of war and the approval of men and women as rivals, but not partners. And then only 2 options. The first one is that people, having spent some time in the position of rivals and, in fact, enemies, lose all ties with each other after a while, get tired of fighting in their own home and disperse in the hope of finding warmth and support somewhere else. And often they still repeat the same scenario.

In the second variant, the extreme of the first goes into the second, and the remaining strong ties serve as the prerequisites for this reversal: children, life, joint financial investments, common habits, and in some cases, established and regular sex remains such a “bridge”.

In addition to these facts, various feelings, thoughts, for example, fears that “I will not cope with life alone and will not find a new partner,” the principles – “have never divorced in our family” or “I loved her / him / but one must be true to oneself, “pessimistic beliefs,” it will not be better anyway, they are all the same. ” At the same time, tug of war in such a family takes place with varying success: once the husband “wins”, once the wife.

Everyone understands that in order to maintain relative equilibrium, one needs to periodically “give in”, and each within himself builds a hierarchy of values ​​- where it is completely impossible to give in, but where “well, let him do it in his own way, I will survive”. And they worry.

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